August 22,2009

Somber - marked by or conveying strict seriousness combined with sadness or a troubled state of mind.

I’m definitely in a troubled state of mind. How and where do I begin?

One year ago I was madly in love and engaged to a man that I thought was going to be my one and only for eternity. John and I met through LDSMingle.com and quickly hit it off. We talked online for about an hour, then moved our conversation to the phone for about two hours. It was awesome. We connected in almost every single facet. It was like we knew each other before. So this had to be it, right; or at least too good to be true.

Right now, it’s the 22nd of August and I so want to scream. I want to scream and hit something until all my hurt, my anger and this unquenchable pain goes away. Can I do that? Is there something that can truly satisfy this emotion? I know I’m crying and it feels good to cry. Then I’m done crying and all I feel is somber and melancholy. I’m basically a state between low and ‘I think I might make it’ mood. If I could put my mind out on the table, you’d probably say ‘what the heck?’ And I’d say it right back at ya, or a ‘tell me about it’.

There are so many things on my mind right now, I could scream and still feel like it’s not enough. My thoughts consist of…

Why didn’t John show up for mediation? Why does he want to drag this out? When can it be final?
I saw Karson today! I can’t believe how much he looks like me. I wish I could hold him more. But by holding him more…does that mess with my mind? Does it make me regret my decision? How am I drawing that line of me being the birth mother and not the mother? I want to show the world that this is my child. I am so proud that he is mine, yet at the same time…he is not. I signed paperwork relinquishing my rights. Wow! That’s when I hit the brick wall and my heart stops. I made a choice to protect my child and this is part of it. I have to let go! But does seeing him hurt or help? I don’t know, yet!!
I am so trying to be a good mom to Jayden. But his whining is so bugging me. I want him to learn to stop. I want him to be potty trained. Can I pray real hard with lots of faith and it will just happen? I am so dreading the whole potty training thing, it scares me. I hear so many horror stories about it, but don’t want to force it. But he’s almost three. How will I know for sure?
I wish I could understand my mother and how she thinks. Then I might be able to gage how to go about talking to her or asking her for help. When will I be enough for her? When will I be able to have a decent conversation with her without being ‘encouraged’ her way? Can I burn her books and force her to face life, instead of living it vicariously through fictional characters? Cuz I’m never going to do things the way the characters do. The ideas and mechanisms that work for them will not work for me. Maybe in a perfect world with perfect intentions, but not for Shannon. I have a mind of my own and a way to do things, but feel like I can’t express them the way I want it to look for fear of it looking too inadequate. I can’t and don’t need that kind of disappointment in my life right now. I’m already going through an emotional roller coaster. I don’t need someone or something to make me feel worse. And it can get worse, but I don’t need it to get worse.
I am a good person with a lot to give. I love life and want to be happy. I’m not allowing myself time to really heal and grieve. I want it right now and not a year from now. I totally get that things take time. But that doesn’t stop me from having the strong desire now; it may lessen the intensity, but never the want.
People say I’m not giving myself enough credit for what I’ve gone through. Especially when I’m on a down slope. How can I not feel what I’m feeling when all I can think about it how I screwed up and where that choice led me today?

Well…I think that is all for today.

G’night!