Somber - marked by or conveying strict seriousness combined with sadness or a troubled state of mind.
I’m definitely in a troubled state of mind. How and where do I begin?
One year ago I was madly in love and engaged to a man that I thought was going to be my one and only for eternity. John and I met through LDSMingle.com and quickly hit it off. We talked online for about an hour, then moved our conversation to the phone for about two hours. It was awesome. We connected in almost every single facet. It was like we knew each other before. So this had to be it, right; or at least too good to be true.
Right now, it’s the 22nd of August and I so want to scream. I want to scream and hit something until all my hurt, my anger and this unquenchable pain goes away. Can I do that? Is there something that can truly satisfy this emotion? I know I’m crying and it feels good to cry. Then I’m done crying and all I feel is somber and melancholy. I’m basically a state between low and ‘I think I might make it’ mood. If I could put my mind out on the table, you’d probably say ‘what the heck?’ And I’d say it right back at ya, or a ‘tell me about it’.
There are so many things on my mind right now, I could scream and still feel like it’s not enough. My thoughts consist of…
Why didn’t John show up for mediation? Why does he want to drag this out? When can it be final?
I saw Karson today! I can’t believe how much he looks like me. I wish I could hold him more. But by holding him more…does that mess with my mind? Does it make me regret my decision? How am I drawing that line of me being the birth mother and not the mother? I want to show the world that this is my child. I am so proud that he is mine, yet at the same time…he is not. I signed paperwork relinquishing my rights. Wow! That’s when I hit the brick wall and my heart stops. I made a choice to protect my child and this is part of it. I have to let go! But does seeing him hurt or help? I don’t know, yet!!
I am so trying to be a good mom to Jayden. But his whining is so bugging me. I want him to learn to stop. I want him to be potty trained. Can I pray real hard with lots of faith and it will just happen? I am so dreading the whole potty training thing, it scares me. I hear so many horror stories about it, but don’t want to force it. But he’s almost three. How will I know for sure?
I wish I could understand my mother and how she thinks. Then I might be able to gage how to go about talking to her or asking her for help. When will I be enough for her? When will I be able to have a decent conversation with her without being ‘encouraged’ her way? Can I burn her books and force her to face life, instead of living it vicariously through fictional characters? Cuz I’m never going to do things the way the characters do. The ideas and mechanisms that work for them will not work for me. Maybe in a perfect world with perfect intentions, but not for Shannon. I have a mind of my own and a way to do things, but feel like I can’t express them the way I want it to look for fear of it looking too inadequate. I can’t and don’t need that kind of disappointment in my life right now. I’m already going through an emotional roller coaster. I don’t need someone or something to make me feel worse. And it can get worse, but I don’t need it to get worse.
I am a good person with a lot to give. I love life and want to be happy. I’m not allowing myself time to really heal and grieve. I want it right now and not a year from now. I totally get that things take time. But that doesn’t stop me from having the strong desire now; it may lessen the intensity, but never the want.
People say I’m not giving myself enough credit for what I’ve gone through. Especially when I’m on a down slope. How can I not feel what I’m feeling when all I can think about it how I screwed up and where that choice led me today?
Well…I think that is all for today.
G’night!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Letter to Myself, May 21, 2009
This is a letter I wrote to myself to remember why I made the choice of adoption.
21 May 2009
Shannon,
I am writing you this letter to remind you of who you are and why you have made the choices that have led you here.
First and foremost, you are a Daughter of God. You have been told in many blessings that He is aware of you and your struggles. The Lord has blessed you with many friends and family members to love and support you. He has also carried you through these last eight months of constant trials and personal persecution. Heavenly Father knows who you are; He created you, He understands your heart and your intentions.
Your choices have not always coincided with what He would have wanted you to choose. And he has not punished you for choosing unwisely; there are some natural consequences to those choices, but no direct thunder bolt punishments from Him.
The Lord has blessed you with strength, courage, integrity, faith and plenty of love to give. He knows that you are capable of accomplishing many things in life that coincide with His plan of happiness for you and the rest of your brothers and sisters. Your patriarchal blessing states that you should be an example to others. Shannon, you have the strength to shine through this trial and lift up others who are in need. BE WHO HE CREATED YOU TO BE!
Last August when you accepted John’s marriage proposal you did not know or fully understand what would happen in the months to come. You fell in love with a good man who had good intentions. In October you found out you were pregnant and were excited to extend your family with John. Soon thereafter his behavior became unpredictable.
Because of your strength you were able to stand your ground and leave him. No, it didn’t look the way you thought it would, but it did get you out of a bad environment and who knows what else could have transpired if you did stay. Shannon, you had faith in the Lord that He would protect you and still love you unconditionally. He has not stopped loving you, nor will He ever.
The next few months of December, January and February were very tough for you, due to John’s attempt to destroy your character, dignity and credibility. Many times you thought he had won, but your strength overcame Satan and John’s plans to persecute you and destroy you. You know and Heavenly Father knows what the truth is and He carried you through these times.
As your pregnancy progressed thoughts came to your mind as to what choices to make concerning your unborn child. You knew that John would not be able to help raise this child emotionally, mentally, spiritually or even financially. You considered how you would parent a second child on your own and what struggles it would bring. In some ways you thought that John would step up to the plate and start acting like a mature and responsible adult. But the more you pondered it; there was never any indication that guaranteed his change of heart or actions. You also realized that he would use your child to try to harass and control you. This was not an option you would consider because you know this child deserved better than to be used like that.
Right after, or shortly after you left John mom had mentioned something about adoption. She also never pressured you because it had to be your choice. As the months went by, you prayed continually with lots of faith and tears as to what the Lord’s plan was for this child. Through John’s destructive actions you felt a genuine and instinctive need to protect your unborn son from his father. This need affirmed the Lord’s plan that adoption was the best choice for your son. It wasn’t your plan, but you accepted it and felt a calming reassurance to confirm it was right for everyone involved.
Shannon, you made the choice to place your son into a loving, spiritual and stable home. You found a family through many thoughts and prayers. When you met Mr. and Mrs. X you connected so well and instantly knew that this was the home meant for your son.
As you continued to get to know their family, the better you felt about your choice. Mr. X has a certain tenderness which reminds you of your father. He is funny, loving and a great friend. Mrs. X has a great personality and is very easy to talk to. Having this respect and connection to both of them has made the adoption process not necessarily easier, but a bit more bearable.
Letters, pictures and an occasional visit has been agreed upon so that you may be able to see your son growing up in a loving environment. Knowing that he is happy will help you heal. Having family and friends surround you with their love will also help you heal.
You know that Karson will be in the hands of Mr. and Mrs. X and that he will be loved beyond measure. You knew this when you met them and will continue to see this throughout his life. It will be hard to see him raised by someone else because you know what you went through with Jayden. But the decision to place Karson has been confirmed to you by the Spirit of God several times; even confirmed to Mr. X and Mrs. X, as well.
Shannon, you are still a mother to Jayden. He loves you so much and needs you to be strong for him. This decision also affects him in ways that will not fully manifest for a while. But during your healing and grieving time you need to remember that Jayden needs you too. He won’t completely understand why you are sad, but he will love you, always will.
Jayden is a special spirit and has been brought into your life for special reasons. You need to teach him the gospel and how to love and serve others. He is teaching you as much as you are teaching him. Don’t take him for granted. Spend as much time as you can with him and be patient with him.
Shannon, you need to remember that Karson will be a blessing to Mr. and Mrs. X for the rest of their lives. They will include you in theirs as much as possible. You will be blessed throughout your life for the love and sacrifice you are making at this time. The Lord has promised you many great things if you continue to be faithful and keep His commandments. He has protected you and will continue to protect you.
The temple will be a great blessing in your life; go there often and ponder and inquire of the Lord. He will give you peace in your heart. He will also give you hope of blessings to come. ‘Men are that they might have joy!’ Come Shannon, partake of that joy. The Lord wants to give it to you. He has promised you an eternal companion who has prepared himself for you and that you will have more children. Look forward to those blessings as you now are blessing Mr. and Mrs. X with your baby, Karson. They love and honor you for your sacrifice. You need to love and honor yourself for your sacrifice, too. Acknowledge your strength and your unconditional love. Karson will know what you went through to get him to where he was meant to be. One day he will thank you and show appreciation for your selfless act of love. Please always remember this.
This is not the end of life, but the closing of one chapter of the journey and the opening of a new one. You have the pen, Shannon, create and continue on a beautiful, joyous journey into the Celestial Kingdom. Prepare yourself to meet your Savior and Heavenly Father as they want to welcome you into their kingdom.
Shannon, your baby Karson was sent to earth for a body and a specific purpose. Allow him to be raised by Mr. and Mrs. X to learn the gospel and to be prepared to carry out his special mission. He is a choice Son of Heavenly Father. It was decided long ago that you are his birth mother. You accepted this trial then and now is the time to carry out this part of your purpose.
God gave His only Begotten Son to the world to be sacrificed for a greater purpose, the Atonement. If your Heavenly Father and your Heavenly Mother can do this, you can, too! They know what you are going through. They have instilled the strength inside you to complete this part of your purpose on earth. They created you! Realize their love that they freely give you. Wrap yourself in that love. Surely love, time and faith will heal you and your tender heart.
Be the woman and Daughter Heavenly Father created you to be and your life will be blessed beyond measure!
Love,
Shannon
21 May 2009
Shannon,
I am writing you this letter to remind you of who you are and why you have made the choices that have led you here.
First and foremost, you are a Daughter of God. You have been told in many blessings that He is aware of you and your struggles. The Lord has blessed you with many friends and family members to love and support you. He has also carried you through these last eight months of constant trials and personal persecution. Heavenly Father knows who you are; He created you, He understands your heart and your intentions.
Your choices have not always coincided with what He would have wanted you to choose. And he has not punished you for choosing unwisely; there are some natural consequences to those choices, but no direct thunder bolt punishments from Him.
The Lord has blessed you with strength, courage, integrity, faith and plenty of love to give. He knows that you are capable of accomplishing many things in life that coincide with His plan of happiness for you and the rest of your brothers and sisters. Your patriarchal blessing states that you should be an example to others. Shannon, you have the strength to shine through this trial and lift up others who are in need. BE WHO HE CREATED YOU TO BE!
Last August when you accepted John’s marriage proposal you did not know or fully understand what would happen in the months to come. You fell in love with a good man who had good intentions. In October you found out you were pregnant and were excited to extend your family with John. Soon thereafter his behavior became unpredictable.
Because of your strength you were able to stand your ground and leave him. No, it didn’t look the way you thought it would, but it did get you out of a bad environment and who knows what else could have transpired if you did stay. Shannon, you had faith in the Lord that He would protect you and still love you unconditionally. He has not stopped loving you, nor will He ever.
The next few months of December, January and February were very tough for you, due to John’s attempt to destroy your character, dignity and credibility. Many times you thought he had won, but your strength overcame Satan and John’s plans to persecute you and destroy you. You know and Heavenly Father knows what the truth is and He carried you through these times.
As your pregnancy progressed thoughts came to your mind as to what choices to make concerning your unborn child. You knew that John would not be able to help raise this child emotionally, mentally, spiritually or even financially. You considered how you would parent a second child on your own and what struggles it would bring. In some ways you thought that John would step up to the plate and start acting like a mature and responsible adult. But the more you pondered it; there was never any indication that guaranteed his change of heart or actions. You also realized that he would use your child to try to harass and control you. This was not an option you would consider because you know this child deserved better than to be used like that.
Right after, or shortly after you left John mom had mentioned something about adoption. She also never pressured you because it had to be your choice. As the months went by, you prayed continually with lots of faith and tears as to what the Lord’s plan was for this child. Through John’s destructive actions you felt a genuine and instinctive need to protect your unborn son from his father. This need affirmed the Lord’s plan that adoption was the best choice for your son. It wasn’t your plan, but you accepted it and felt a calming reassurance to confirm it was right for everyone involved.
Shannon, you made the choice to place your son into a loving, spiritual and stable home. You found a family through many thoughts and prayers. When you met Mr. and Mrs. X you connected so well and instantly knew that this was the home meant for your son.
As you continued to get to know their family, the better you felt about your choice. Mr. X has a certain tenderness which reminds you of your father. He is funny, loving and a great friend. Mrs. X has a great personality and is very easy to talk to. Having this respect and connection to both of them has made the adoption process not necessarily easier, but a bit more bearable.
Letters, pictures and an occasional visit has been agreed upon so that you may be able to see your son growing up in a loving environment. Knowing that he is happy will help you heal. Having family and friends surround you with their love will also help you heal.
You know that Karson will be in the hands of Mr. and Mrs. X and that he will be loved beyond measure. You knew this when you met them and will continue to see this throughout his life. It will be hard to see him raised by someone else because you know what you went through with Jayden. But the decision to place Karson has been confirmed to you by the Spirit of God several times; even confirmed to Mr. X and Mrs. X, as well.
Shannon, you are still a mother to Jayden. He loves you so much and needs you to be strong for him. This decision also affects him in ways that will not fully manifest for a while. But during your healing and grieving time you need to remember that Jayden needs you too. He won’t completely understand why you are sad, but he will love you, always will.
Jayden is a special spirit and has been brought into your life for special reasons. You need to teach him the gospel and how to love and serve others. He is teaching you as much as you are teaching him. Don’t take him for granted. Spend as much time as you can with him and be patient with him.
Shannon, you need to remember that Karson will be a blessing to Mr. and Mrs. X for the rest of their lives. They will include you in theirs as much as possible. You will be blessed throughout your life for the love and sacrifice you are making at this time. The Lord has promised you many great things if you continue to be faithful and keep His commandments. He has protected you and will continue to protect you.
The temple will be a great blessing in your life; go there often and ponder and inquire of the Lord. He will give you peace in your heart. He will also give you hope of blessings to come. ‘Men are that they might have joy!’ Come Shannon, partake of that joy. The Lord wants to give it to you. He has promised you an eternal companion who has prepared himself for you and that you will have more children. Look forward to those blessings as you now are blessing Mr. and Mrs. X with your baby, Karson. They love and honor you for your sacrifice. You need to love and honor yourself for your sacrifice, too. Acknowledge your strength and your unconditional love. Karson will know what you went through to get him to where he was meant to be. One day he will thank you and show appreciation for your selfless act of love. Please always remember this.
This is not the end of life, but the closing of one chapter of the journey and the opening of a new one. You have the pen, Shannon, create and continue on a beautiful, joyous journey into the Celestial Kingdom. Prepare yourself to meet your Savior and Heavenly Father as they want to welcome you into their kingdom.
Shannon, your baby Karson was sent to earth for a body and a specific purpose. Allow him to be raised by Mr. and Mrs. X to learn the gospel and to be prepared to carry out his special mission. He is a choice Son of Heavenly Father. It was decided long ago that you are his birth mother. You accepted this trial then and now is the time to carry out this part of your purpose.
God gave His only Begotten Son to the world to be sacrificed for a greater purpose, the Atonement. If your Heavenly Father and your Heavenly Mother can do this, you can, too! They know what you are going through. They have instilled the strength inside you to complete this part of your purpose on earth. They created you! Realize their love that they freely give you. Wrap yourself in that love. Surely love, time and faith will heal you and your tender heart.
Be the woman and Daughter Heavenly Father created you to be and your life will be blessed beyond measure!
Love,
Shannon
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
August 12, 2009
So, can I tell ya how crazy life has been?
My first and only post was in April before I had the baby.
Life has been blah and emotions have been up and down like a roller coaster.
I will write more later, I need to vent and there's too many people on Facebook and so little space to share all my thoughts and feelings. The postings will continue...
My first and only post was in April before I had the baby.
Life has been blah and emotions have been up and down like a roller coaster.
I will write more later, I need to vent and there's too many people on Facebook and so little space to share all my thoughts and feelings. The postings will continue...
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