Hi there everyone! Another day is here and wishing it was over. I totally want to vent about a few things. I've been kinda blah the last few weeks and it all boils down to a short temper and naughty kids. My short temper is about more hormones with the additional birth control that I'm on in an attempt to shrink the ovarian cysts that are giving me fits. The first month of the pill caused the opposite effect by making them grow instead of making them smaller. I go back into the doctor on the 29th to possibly schedule surgery to remove the buggers.
I'm almost thinking that the combination of my anti depressants, my IUD, and extra birth control are making me extra irritable. It doesn't help that the kids are being extra defiant and don't want to listen to anything I say. My husband has been a sweetheart, but it doesn't fix that I'm simply irritable. My job doesn't make things easier. Being on the phones for over 7 hours a day is simply insane!
I wish things were a bit simpler, but they just aren't. I'm struggling with the decision of whether or not to have another child.
When did I lose myself? I've been thinking a lot about what I used to want, used to be like and what I wanted to accomplish in life. There is something I've lost. I don't know how to explain it, nor do I know to regain it. I don't feel like myself.
How can i get myself back?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The Journey
I've been thinking....this blog is supposed to be about finding the joy of the journey. I haven't really focused on that, just the day-to-day operations of life. Not many specifics. I find it hard to write when all I think about it how good life could be, what else I should be doing and who I should be serving. My life has been full of 'good intentions' and not enough good deeds. I hate it when I realize how little I have contributed to the world, or how little I have wanted to contribute to the world. I want to be known for helping others through hard times, but yet I don't make time or effort beyond my home for that. I set my own expectations too high and never obtain them, so I fail almost every time. Why would anyone do that to themselves?
I want to share my story and uplift others spiritually through my experience as a single mom, a birth mom, an addict, being depressed, gaining a testimony, finding love, finding connection, finding myself and being courageous. Its been one heck of a journey and I want to start sharing my own story. I want to make myself vulnerable and take a risk of finding connection. I long for connection. In reality....I try too hard to form a bond based on fictional suffering then resent the people who truly want to help me out of the bad situation I've sometimes created for myself because I think they feel obligated to care for me or that I'm a 'charity' case. I don't want to be known for that. I want to be authentic! I want to show you who I am. I want to start writing my very own thoughts and feelings here in an attempt to understand why I do what I do so that I can create a better environment for my heart to love unconditionally. This might not make sense to you, but it does to me. Soon, I will begin to give you more of an insight into my heart and mind.
I want to share my story and uplift others spiritually through my experience as a single mom, a birth mom, an addict, being depressed, gaining a testimony, finding love, finding connection, finding myself and being courageous. Its been one heck of a journey and I want to start sharing my own story. I want to make myself vulnerable and take a risk of finding connection. I long for connection. In reality....I try too hard to form a bond based on fictional suffering then resent the people who truly want to help me out of the bad situation I've sometimes created for myself because I think they feel obligated to care for me or that I'm a 'charity' case. I don't want to be known for that. I want to be authentic! I want to show you who I am. I want to start writing my very own thoughts and feelings here in an attempt to understand why I do what I do so that I can create a better environment for my heart to love unconditionally. This might not make sense to you, but it does to me. Soon, I will begin to give you more of an insight into my heart and mind.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
May 12
May 12, 2011
Here we are, another blog entry....and it's months later. Now that the wedding is almost here and I will have internet next Monday, I should have at least an hour each week to update the blog.
The HOUSE
Jayden and I moved into our new house in late April. After a long time and little battles with the contractor and his sub contractors.....finally!! It still smells like paint, but it is slowly dissipating.
One night after Tony and I talked in February he looked online at some houses and found one in Syracuse that seemed like a good deal. We then arranged to have a look around the next Saturday. Boy was it a mess. Found out it was a foreclosure and needed A LOT of work. The kitchen floor had a big hole in it from a leaky fridge. The carpets were awful. The paint job was even worse. But the thing that had me dreading looking further into the house was the YARD. It appeared that no one had taken care of it for years.
I had my brother and sister-in-law there to help look at the house. She's a mortgage broker and knows about the financing options and what would and would not pass inspection and such. She gave me some options as far as financing goes, such as a rehabilitation loan that would go on top of the 1st mortgage, called a 203K loan.
Since Tony and I were still in the process of falling in love and getting settled into a manageable relationship we weren't ready to buy the house together, especially with him still living in West Valley and making his own mortgage payments. So the same day we looked at the house, I put in an offer. After several counter offers and some earnest money down the bank accepted my offer and soon we were under contract. A few weeks later, on March 17, 2011, I signed my life away, I mean bought a house!!
It took a few days to get the keys, but once we did....the construction was soon under way!! My father completed most of the demolition and the contractor started making arrangements for the work to be done. I won't go into detail about the whole process, but it was not-so-pleasant at times and rewarding at others.
I definitely had a hard time visualizing what the house would look like with the paint colors, new light fixtures, carpet and hardwood flooring. But it came together so nicely. I still can't believe I did this on MY own!
Jayden and I moved in near the end of April and are still unpacking some boxes here and there. Tony will be moving all of his big stuff this weekend to the house. Then, him and Tyson will be here for good once we are married on the 21st; which is just over a week away. How awesome is that?
The WEDDING
Tony is such an amazing man and I'm so blessed to have him in my life and my heart. I fell in love with him quickly and it has grown so much over the last 5 months. I know it doesn't seem like a long time to fall in love and make a big life decision, well, that is according to most people.
We both came into this relationship carrying our own baggage of broken hearts, children, but most important, we carried faith and hope. With as much as we both had been through with our ex-spouses, we still carried a light within our souls that there was someone special out there just for us. Each of our experiences different, but our testimonies were strong and unbreakable. How could we deny Heavenly Father's love that surrounded us through our children and supportive family members.
Here we are, another blog entry....and it's months later. Now that the wedding is almost here and I will have internet next Monday, I should have at least an hour each week to update the blog.
The HOUSE
Jayden and I moved into our new house in late April. After a long time and little battles with the contractor and his sub contractors.....finally!! It still smells like paint, but it is slowly dissipating.
One night after Tony and I talked in February he looked online at some houses and found one in Syracuse that seemed like a good deal. We then arranged to have a look around the next Saturday. Boy was it a mess. Found out it was a foreclosure and needed A LOT of work. The kitchen floor had a big hole in it from a leaky fridge. The carpets were awful. The paint job was even worse. But the thing that had me dreading looking further into the house was the YARD. It appeared that no one had taken care of it for years.
I had my brother and sister-in-law there to help look at the house. She's a mortgage broker and knows about the financing options and what would and would not pass inspection and such. She gave me some options as far as financing goes, such as a rehabilitation loan that would go on top of the 1st mortgage, called a 203K loan.
Since Tony and I were still in the process of falling in love and getting settled into a manageable relationship we weren't ready to buy the house together, especially with him still living in West Valley and making his own mortgage payments. So the same day we looked at the house, I put in an offer. After several counter offers and some earnest money down the bank accepted my offer and soon we were under contract. A few weeks later, on March 17, 2011, I signed my life away, I mean bought a house!!
It took a few days to get the keys, but once we did....the construction was soon under way!! My father completed most of the demolition and the contractor started making arrangements for the work to be done. I won't go into detail about the whole process, but it was not-so-pleasant at times and rewarding at others.
I definitely had a hard time visualizing what the house would look like with the paint colors, new light fixtures, carpet and hardwood flooring. But it came together so nicely. I still can't believe I did this on MY own!
Jayden and I moved in near the end of April and are still unpacking some boxes here and there. Tony will be moving all of his big stuff this weekend to the house. Then, him and Tyson will be here for good once we are married on the 21st; which is just over a week away. How awesome is that?
The WEDDING
Tony is such an amazing man and I'm so blessed to have him in my life and my heart. I fell in love with him quickly and it has grown so much over the last 5 months. I know it doesn't seem like a long time to fall in love and make a big life decision, well, that is according to most people.
We both came into this relationship carrying our own baggage of broken hearts, children, but most important, we carried faith and hope. With as much as we both had been through with our ex-spouses, we still carried a light within our souls that there was someone special out there just for us. Each of our experiences different, but our testimonies were strong and unbreakable. How could we deny Heavenly Father's love that surrounded us through our children and supportive family members.
Friday, January 07, 2011
Many things have transpired since the last blog entry. Guess I must bring you all up to speed, not that I must, but I will, because I choose to. It has been quite a while since I have posted anything here and my goal is to write here once a week. So, if you haven't heard from me in a week and would like to know what's going on....just let me know.
My journey for daily joy is a continuing walk I choose to tread. Most people in my life haven't seen me in quite a while. I've been told that I need to stop doing many things, which I've taken to mean that they don't want to hear about my problems or help me sort them out. I've also been told that I need to let go of some things in my life.
I think that's my problem....letting go.
How can I let go of what I wanted my life to look like? How can I forget what has transpired in my life and what makes me who I am? Why should I let go of hopes and dreams when some days they have been the only thing giving me hope to live?
I want to share my life, my heart, my affections, my joys, my sorrows, and the everyday mundane things with someone. Well, I don't know who to share anything with anymore because who will be next to tell me to....LET IT GO? "Let it go, you're being selfish in what you want!" "Let it go, you're wanting the wrong things." "Let it go, your problems would go away if you'd focus on others." "Let it go!" I'm about ready to scream some days.
I can understand some of letting go of wanting material things. But some days my heart yearns for something....something more than what I have, more than what I am, more than what this earthly life can give to me. But I guess that I've developed a horizon syndrome.....meaning that I'm looking at the horizon and not what's in front of me right now.
Who knows....
My journey for daily joy is a continuing walk I choose to tread. Most people in my life haven't seen me in quite a while. I've been told that I need to stop doing many things, which I've taken to mean that they don't want to hear about my problems or help me sort them out. I've also been told that I need to let go of some things in my life.
I think that's my problem....letting go.
How can I let go of what I wanted my life to look like? How can I forget what has transpired in my life and what makes me who I am? Why should I let go of hopes and dreams when some days they have been the only thing giving me hope to live?
I want to share my life, my heart, my affections, my joys, my sorrows, and the everyday mundane things with someone. Well, I don't know who to share anything with anymore because who will be next to tell me to....LET IT GO? "Let it go, you're being selfish in what you want!" "Let it go, you're wanting the wrong things." "Let it go, your problems would go away if you'd focus on others." "Let it go!" I'm about ready to scream some days.
I can understand some of letting go of wanting material things. But some days my heart yearns for something....something more than what I have, more than what I am, more than what this earthly life can give to me. But I guess that I've developed a horizon syndrome.....meaning that I'm looking at the horizon and not what's in front of me right now.
Who knows....
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