Crazy Lady Syndrome?

The last few weeks have been quite the trial. How do I begin to tell you without sounding like whining or complaining? I just need people to listen and understand why I haven't been ME! I'm not asking you to fix it or even feel sorry for me.  Maybe someone out there has been through the same thing and can offer some advice on how to cope with the changes I am going through.

To begin, I suffer from a lot of physical and emotional ailments, however, today's entry will focus on the 'Crazy Lady Syndrome'!  In layman's terms, it is the constant ups and downs associated with the imbalance of women's hormones.

Endometriosis is its own animal associated with pain and cramps.  So I do whatever normal person would do....go to the doctor for remedy.  I didn't know it at the time, but I chose the crazy option for the Lupron shot, which shuts down the estrogen production of the ovaries. The side effects? More like life-changing, cannot be undone effects.

For the month following the shot, I was emotionally disconnected from just about everything, the dog, my job, my kids, and my dear husband. Then one day at work, it hit me like a TON of bricks, literally; I started crying and couldn't stop. I called the doctor's office and wanted to know what was going on.  The shot wore off and my body was out of estrogen.  I was immediately put on some estrogen. The next few days I was up and down with tears.  I started feeling EVERYTHING!

I remembered how wonderful my children were, how romantic my husband really was, and how much I missed my Eli.  I didn't want to feel everything on maximum mode; just enough to feel connected to the world.

So today, it's been almost two weeks since I've started the estrogen regimen and I'm here to tell you I've never felt so imbalanced or emotionally unstable.  All I want to do is cry and find fault in every moment.  I can think of one other time I've cried more in my life (the Eli story).   There couldn't be more than a five-minute period where I wouldn't get irritated or snap.

My poor family and co-workers. And when I wasn't crying, I was profusely apologizing for my unintentional and irrational behavior.  Thank goodness for some very forgiving people.  I couldn't bear looking into the eyes of my children who were afraid to approach me or my husband who wasn't sure when he could kiss me without a cold shoulder.  

I understand that the hormones will eventually balance themselves out, but when?  It doesn't help that the time frame is unknown.  It definitely doesn't help the next day filled with more regretful episodes of crying and snapping.

So to readers of this post...you're here for a reason. You're in my life because you think I'm the bomb!  JK.  Actually, you're here because you know that my recent behavior is NOT me and you know that I'm in here somewhere.  Most of all, you have faith in me and love me. So, thank you very much.  Not sure who my readers are (mostly because no comments are made, hehehe), but I love you, who ever you are.

May you continue to love me unconditionally!

Pain Averted

I was supposed to get a root canal today, but it wasn't bad enough. Whew! That's always nice to avoid pain if you can. Sometimes it's inevitable and unforeseen. Life throws us curve balls when we're least expecting it, and when do we really expect anything to disrupt our quaint little lives?

Yes, I am trying to be all that I have been created to be, but some days, I just don't want to. Some days, I want to stay in bed and sleep ALL DAY. Others, I would like to get into the car, drive somewhere, check into a hotel where all I am required to do is sit by the pool, bathe in sunshine and breathe in some muggy air. No agenda. No responsibilities. How long do you think it would take before I got bored and wanted to do something more? I simply do not know, nor do I think I'll get the chance to find out. I can dream, can't I?

Tony left this afternoon for a few days to go hunting with his family. Last year I was left with Jayden and Tyson for 10 days! Needless to say, the boys lived and so did I, but it wasn't without some of my own tantrums. I think I was going through some hormonal changes of my own or a change in my antidepressants, and I was so out-of-whack. I remember being quick to temper and felt so alone. But this year it bound to be different!!! YAY! Yes, I will make it different.

I remember a conversation with my Aunt Joan while I was having trouble with a 3 year-old Jayden getting into everything, including my very, very last nerve. "What's it going to hurt?" she said. I've thought about that a lot lately now that Tyson found that very last nerve, as well. I know that I can't control everything the kids do, but I sure attempt to contain the level of chaos that arises. So, I'm learning to let go of what they do, not react inappropriately, and set an example of peace. I said I was trying, didn't I? LOL!

As I think about the things in my life that I worried about and tried to avoid any confrontation or contention and failed, I am learning slowly that I cannot be everything. I am a simple woman with good intentions of being happy and creating peace wherever I go. HMMMM. I'll keep praying for that, lol.

Whoa!!

It has been a while since I have posted anything to my blog. There have been so many changes going on in the last year that I have so much to catch you up on. I know I don't have very many followers, but it makes me feel better knowing that I can write my feelings without holding back.

I haven't been as supportive to my friends or my family as my heart would have liked. But my husband and children have taken the front seat for the last little bit. My health has also taken priority to many other things. Tony and I had decided that we didn't to have any more children, we thought ours provided enough challenge to keep us on our toes and we weren't sure we could handle much more. But there was a part of my heart still felt a void.

Just as I was getting used to the idea of having two boys, Jayden and Tyson, Heavenly Father told us differently. On a sunny Sunday in Spring, the family came home from church and Tony turned to me with tears in his eyes and told me that the Spirit had whispered to his soul that we were going to have another child and that it was going to be a girl. My heart swelled with joy and my eyes filled with tears. Oh my goodness! How awesome. Heavenly Father heard the silent cries of my heart. How I longed to hold a child.... another one of mine, again. I didn't want to keep asking for something I wasn't sure I could handle emotionally. But we moved forward with faith. We knew that if Heavenly Father wanted this for us and our family, He would provide a means and a way for it to happen. 

Ok....so in April, I had yet another surgery to remove ovarian cysts from my remaining ovary. It was successful! Dr. Johnson at Tanner Clinic is incredible and said that if we weren't pregnant in three months to come back and get on some fertility medication. May....June....July....nothing. Mid-July I go back to see Dr. Johnson and the news is not good......more CYSTS! No wonder I've been in pain. I thought it was just the hormones trying to get back to normal. Nope. Needless to say, I was emotional that day. One, I didn't want to hear about more cysts. And second, if we were given the revelation to have another child, why wasn't my body cooperating? I asked for a priesthood blessing that night and felt very comforted.

Currently I'm on one cycle of birth control to attempt to reduce the size of the cysts. The last time we tried this route the cysts doubled in size. In mid-July, the largest cyst was about 1.5 inches wide. So we shall see. Another awesome thing that has happened....well, close to happening, I should be going through the temple very, very soon.

See...I just can't put this in a simple Facebook status. Sometimes, its a bit too personal or too much for some people.